![]() ![]() "If you want to find a partner who is emotionally open, begin to look for those people who aren't afraid to engage in introspection, who practice resilience, and demonstrate a value in the art of self-care." If you meet someone who loves talking about their thoughts and taking long bubble baths, you may be on the right track. "Childhood is where we learn our worth, childhood is where we learn the safety - or harm - that arises from being vulnerable, and childhood is where we learned to express or suppress love," Pierre says. "Often this emotionally closed-off space is based in insecurity, and that insecurity is often rooted in childhood wounds." Once again, this can all be traced back to the past. "Emotional unavailability is one of the leading causes of a demise of any relationships," Darren Pierre, educator, speaker and author of The Invitation to Love: Recognizing the Gift Despite Pain, Fear, and Resistance, tells Bustle. You have to show your partner that you'll guard their heart fiercely (and gently), and the only way you can really do that is by doing it slowly, over the course of many months. "Those who are afraid to be emotionally open have doubts that the person who they are in a relationship with will actually take care of their heart," he says. ![]() Though it would be nice in some ways if a partner could enter a new relationship with a clean slate, that would come with its own set of problems. "People have a tendency to bring old baggage into new relationships." "This is due to issues with trust from past relationships," Toney says. "When a person is open and there is not trust built, one may feel as if he or she could possibly fall prey to scrutiny in the future when an argument occurs." Without trust, it can feel like a death sentence to attempt real emotional openness. "The difficult part of being emotionally open comes from the lack of desire to be vulnerable," Texas-based psychotherapist Richard E. Don't take it personally - and be patient. "It is simply a coping mechanism that establishes borders and boundaries that make it nearly impossible for their partner to penetrate," she says. "Thus, they are often afraid to share their most intimate thoughts and feelings with their mate." Those old feelings can crop up, and everything comes flooding back to haunt them. "Often, couples who have experienced years of emotional abuse - judgement, ridicule, humiliation, and condemnation - from previous love interests find it difficult to open up and be transparent with their current partner," author and relationship expert Alexis Nicole White tells Bustle. So what is it about? Read on to learn why it's such a big deal for some of us to really let go, loosen up and open their hearts - and what you should do if this describes your partner, and how to cope in your relationship in the meantime. This might mean past relationships or even go as far back as childhood, but regardless of the case, it is not about you. I spoke with nine relationship experts about this topic, and what I found is striking: Though generally when I pose the same question to multiple experts, I get a myriad of different takes and responses, almost all of the people with whom I spoke could agree on one thing: If you're encountering someone who has a really hard time letting you know where they are emotionally, they are probably holding onto old stuff from their past. But why do some people have difficulty expressing emotions? If we can understand why this is so, does it make it easier to let a partner who clams up way too easily feel less burden to open up? It can be really challenging to accept a partner when they refuse or shy away from being emotionally vulnerable. ![]()
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